The Final Flight.

Julie, the cockatiel, died this morning at 8:30am EST. The time was nigh for this bird, considering he was almost 20, I think. My mom was telling me how he was acting over the past week, and it was pretty tragic. He was being aloof, and had a really difficult time staying awake. He was also starting to lose his feathers, even though birds don't molt at this time of year. This morning he was perched on top of the back of a chair next to the radiator, as he was trying to stay warm, and he was acting really ill. Suddenly, strangely, he seemed to perk up: He chirped once, normally, and flew into the other room. My mom went to look for him but he was nowhere to be found. My mom found Julie splayed on the floor still alive, but really close to death. So Mom picked him up and folded his wings back properly. Julie looked up at my mom and closed his eyes and died in her hands.

From archive

From archive

From archive

From archive

⊗

Buy and Sell

I am done with my Christmas shopping. I feel so relieved. I changed over the years. I remember I used to like going to big, crowded shopping malls and just watch the people shopping. I found it fascinating. I found fascination in the number of people and how different they all were from each other: Tall and Short; Skinny and Fat; whitest Whites and the blackest Blacks; Edgy and Sane. I thought it was a venerable microcosm of humanity. Sometime over the past decade I changed. Now I feel a distinct sense of claustrophobia in the crowds. I feel a distinct sense of despair at how much people feel the need to buy, Buy, BUY without any regard to how much money they spend, and why they need mountains of shit in the first place. Whatever. I can't tell people how to [over]spend what they earn. The end of oil will dictate that.

But alas, while I was acquiring, I was also unloading. A few hours yesterday I listed a bunch of old video games, some game guides, a Nintendo DS, and a Super Nintendo on Amazon. While I was listing my items, I sold the Nintendo DS. I checked the time stamp from when it sold, and it stayed listed in my store a whopping 45 minutes. I found that astounding. Yesterday I sent the Nintendo DS to the buyer. Today I sent off Panzer Dragoon Orta for the XBox and The World Ends with You for the DS. I put my store on a vacation status because I don't want to think of people buying from when during this weekend when I cannot sent things through the mail. So I'm pretty happy I was able to unload some of my old stuff. I hope the recipients enjoy it as much as I have.

И

Christmas Shopping Shanannigans

Why the fuck are retail stores so goddamn greedy? Around August or September, I bought myself some new clothes, which was something I haven't done for myself in about 2 years. I found some really nice thermal long-sleeved shirts, and some front-striped casual shirts. Back then, they were $9.99. What is the big deal now? Kevin expressed interest in acquiring some of those very shirts for his wardrobe. I go to JC Pennies, and lo-and-behold, those very same shirts, the shirts I bought for $10, are now $15! Umm...aren't clothes supposed to get cheaper the longer they stay on the shelf? Double-U Tee Eff, mutherfucker.

Of course, it took me an hour to get to the mall since public transportation scales back its routes after 6PM. I left the house at 6:20, and I didn't get to the mall until just about 7:30. Of course, it is one of the coldest nights of the winter so far, so I froze my ass off bicycling to the bus stop in 10° to catch a bus. I eventually make it to the mall, only to realize the very objectives I went there for increased in price by 50%. Now, I still have 90 minutes and I really didn't want to head back to Urbana empty handed, so I window-shopped until I found some really sweet deals.

And I did. I found some shirts, and a really nice sweater, on sale. I think I scored sufficiently well. Of course, I know that those very same items will decline in price right before the holiday. Then, those prices will drop precipitously after the holiday. I told Kevin that I would finish my Christmas shopping after Christmas. He understands.

I know those retail stores buy clothes for dirt cheap, and then mark them up a couple thousand percentage points. It also sucks that I have a "No China" clause, because some of the nicest items I found that Kevin would like were made in China. Whatever. I don't want to support a communist regime. Of course, buying clothes that were made in some Pacific rim country isn't any better: They use child labor. What option do I have? Do I spend money on merchandise from a country that will eventually use military might to take over the world and impose a New World Order, or do I spend money on merchandise from a country that uses slave child labor? Decisions, decisions.

I may have a "Buy nothing from China" clause, but I don't have a "Steal nothinig from China" clause. Since those greedy retail stores knowingly buy their stock from those unscrupulous countries, I would really like to steal from them. I would really like to curtail those profits since those retail stores actively support child slave labor, and communism.

My new digital camera was made in China. Should I return it?

И

School Semester Done

Today was another good day. I had two finals for my classes this semester, and I did really well on them. I got an 80 on my Speech 101 final, and I knew almost all the answers to the questions on my Film Appreciation final. Now, the reason I got a "B" was because I over-interpreted the questions and answered them wrong on the speech exam. However, I asked the professor what my grade for this class would be, and he told me I would probably get an "A" for that class. That makes me exceedingly happy.

There were two questions that left me clueless on the Film Appreciation exam. I think it was their wording that confused me. For lack of a better phrase, I was lost in the sauce on those questions, but I attempted to answer them as best as I could. The great news is that I got 50/50 points on my final essay that was assigned for the film class. The class instructor, Joi Hoffsommer, said that my essay was "easy to read" since I actually used proper grammar, syntax, and used peer-reviewed research to back up my thesis. She told me that my essay was a joy to read...unlike some other essays she read from my class.

I feel like I actually accomplished something for once in my life. This is not a hollow victory. Now I only have one more semester at Parkland College. Then I'll be done.

I feel good.

И

Copyright my ass

I believe a major reason people "steal" music is because the music companies are too damn greedy. I firmly believe if the music artists received more money for their music people would be less apt to illegally download music. The reasoning is, "The music company will just keep 97% of net profits, so I am really not stealing from the artist, since they are barely getting anything anyway. I'm just stealing curtailing profits from the company."

I don't like illegally downloading music, but I also don't like buying CDs that only have 3 good songs out of 15, so I "favorite" videos on Youtube. That seems like a good option, right? The record companies get to control the media, but yet give people access to a copyrighted song. Everyone is happy. Until that video gets taken down. What option do people like me have if we just want to listen to a favorite song? We, the remotely tech-savvy people, hit up the torrent transfer programs to acquire a whole damn CD just to listen to that favorite song we lost access to.

I'm actually quite annoyed with YouTube right now since about 10 songs I favorited got taken down recently. I'm guessing those songs got relocated to some other channel, but I still have to find them. Why were they relocated or removed? What was the reasoning?

*heavy sigh*

‡

My Review of the Samsung SL720 12.2MP digital camera

I've been testing out my brand-spanking-new Samsung 12.2MP digital camera. And I am really, really digging how AWESOME it is! I mean, I was literally speechless at the detail of the pictures, especially the close-up (macro) pictures.

Things I like about my new camera:
It has a literal metric tonne of features for a point-and-shoot. I'll never program the damn thing. I just wanted a camera that wasn't as fussy as my previous Samsung, which this one is. It takes relatively blur-free pictures in unfavorable lighting conditions. That pleases me. The camera takes pictures fast, even when the specifications are turned up all the way with maximum megapixel rating. The view screen is big and fast. It can even record video in high-def, and even allow the user to zoom while recording. That is pretty hard to find in a point-and-shoot camera. Did I forget to mention it has a ton of features, firing modes, and settings. Yeah...

Things that are weird about my new camera:
Since this camera has a wide-angle lens, it yields a subtle reverse fish-eye effect on the view screen. Objects framed in the center of the screen look farther away than objects closer to the edge of the screen. It isn't too distracting, though. Start-up time isn't bad at all but it just "feels like" the camera could boot-up quicker than it already does.

Things I don't like about my camera:
No piece of technology is without flaws. This sweet camera is no exception. First, my biggest gripe is with the battery. The camera uses a proprietary battery pack. I was trying to avoid anything proprietary, but I guess technology is heading into that direction -- whether the user likes it or not. The camera didn't even include a battery pack recharger. That means the whole camera, with the battery inserted, has to be hooked up to a proprietary USB cable connected to a computer; or, attached to that USB cable connected to an included outlet plug. Secondly, the LCD screen is so big, it pushes the tiny buttons close together to one side of the camera. I believe it shouldn't require too much concentration to access the buttons. Finally, Samsung didn't even include a camera pouch. I got a camera pouch with my Digimax A7, so why didn't I receive one with this SL720? Come on, Samsung, throw me a bone here.

Overall:
I really like this camera. Like I said above, the proprietary battery non-sense is annoying. However, the features are overflowing and the camera is snappy so I got myself a really great value for my dollar. 4 out of 5 stars.

∃

School Projects Done

Today was my last "big day" for this semester. I had two final projects due; One for my speech class and one for my Film Appreciation class.

Since today was so damn windy and cold, the wind-chill was somewhere in the teens. I took a taxi to the Illinois Terminal so I could catch the bus. I get to the terminal, and -- unlike the last time -- I was in time for one of the buses that goes in that direction. I make it to school in time for my first class, which is Introduction to Liberal Arts and Sciences. That class is basically a critical thinking course. I had to write seven essays in that class throughout the semester. So, I'm in class, and the final that class is a take-home essay question: "What are the three elements of this class." Are you kidding me? I'll have that done in one hour. I was happy about that good news.

I go to my second class, which is speech, and I deliver my oral presentation last. The class professor said that this speech had to incorporate a PowerPoint presentation but the presentation was not supposed to have the outlined speech. Basically, the presentation was supposed to have some sort of graphic that complimented the speech in some way. I was one of two students, out of the four who delivered their speeches, who actually honored that requirement. The two other students had their speeches outlined in the PowerPoint slides, which they weren't supposed to do. Also, one of those presenters ran over her time by thirty seconds so she couldn't even finish her conclusion. I didn't feel bad for her because she admitted she bought one of her previous speeches. Whatever, you cheating bitch. Alas, I was well within the allotted time I was given for my presentation. I was pleased with myself.

Finally, my last class was Film Appreciation. Even though it is an elective that seemed pretty "fluff," I was surprised at how relevant it was to me. I now have a more critical eye whenever I watch a movie. I can recognize things I was taught in class in movies I watch, which seems pretty cool to me. The reason why I am so happy about this class is because I had to turn in the essay that was required for that class. It was a small five-page research essay of my choosing. I chose how I thought Fight Club prophesied the destruction of industrialized civilization due to rampant consumerism.

So. I had a fucking good day. Yes, I did suffer from insomnia the previous night until 4:30am this morning. Much to my surprise, I remained fairly coherent throughout the day. I just feel really happy for once.

Oh yes. I also got my brand-new 12.2MP Samsung digital camera from Amazon today. I can't wait to try it out. I hope it serves me as well as my previous 7MP Samsung Digimax A7 did.

∅

almost done...almost

I'm glad this semester is almost done. Not because it was so horrible, but because I know I just should be done with community college by now. I would be done, but I've fucked around too much in the past. Where is my head? Too far up my ass? Perhaps. Anyway, I still have one more semester of required electives. After that, a real college. Of course, I wonder how I will handle real college if I can barely tolerate college-lite known as community college.

I just have a strong feeling that if I was in a better learning environment, I would learn better. The mentality of a very large percentage of the students at Parkland is just...I don't know...lazy. I'll never forget my English 101 class from a year ago. It started off with about 35 students. By the end of the semester, it was down to me and two other female students. WTF. A whole class just jumped ship! I was talking with Diana McDonald, and I asked her how she felt about this abandonment. She basically said that those students earned their grades and there was nothing she could do about their initiative. So tragic.

Here I am in the final week of my best semester. I do feel good, like I did accomplish something. It is just that this feeling of accomplishment is tied to a bitter sense of urgency and loss. I feel weird. But I'll be glad when I'm done.

∅

List on Craig

I need to update more. Eh.

A few months ago, I had bad luck trying to unload all of my old Marine Corps gear I don't need anymore. Recently, I've been having some good luck on CraigsList, though. I listed my sweet hot 7MP Samsung digital camera for sale for $50. Since 7MP is ancient, compared to current cameras, I was shooting for the stars regarding my asking price. Yesterday some (slightly crazy) blond lady replied that she wanted my camera for $40. I said OK and we exchanged money and merchandise at the Urbana Free Library.

Also on CR, I found a listing for a modified PS1 that could play Japanese games. The sale would have been pretty sweet, except the fact I didn't want all the items in that sale: The sale included the modified PS1 and a ton of imported games plus six official memory cards. I only wanted the PS1 memory cards. Those just happen to be really hard to find, so therefore they are worth quite a bit even used when sold on the internet. So this guy comes over to the house and I hook up the modded PS1, and it plays the imported games just fine. I tested one of my North American games and the system cannot read the game. The guy then tells me there is some swapping technique to getting the system to read games from both regions. I let this guy know that I was willing to buy the system if it worked as implied in the online listing, but I would still be interested in buying the PS1 memory cards. The guy acquiesced and I bought six official PS1 memory cards for dirty cheap. I op-checked them, so they work, but two of them need their copper contacts cleaned. That shouldn't be to hard for me to execute. Even if I accidentally destroy those two cards that need to be cleaned, I can still make a profit from the other four that are in 100% working order.

Speaking of cleaning copper, I had to buy Brasso from Schnuck's grocery store a few weeks ago. I find it a little humorous that I used to own gallons of that stuff that I barely used while I was enlisted, but I didn't have when I really needed it recently. It is a good thing Brasso has more than one use. I am waiting impatiently to clean my cartridge games. I won't be able to do that until after the end of this school semester, it looks like. :/

∅

cleaning

I was going to post last weekend, but I feel that I am entering into my malaise mood again: Why write about the moment when I can half-remember things a week later? Blah.

But anyway, last weekend was quite busy for me. I accomplished many tasks at hand, but I didn't complete the tasks I wanted to complete.

The first thing I wanted to do was start cleaning my cartridge video games. I cleared off the dining room table to make way for the wave of PCB boards and plastic cartridge shells I had to clean. I unscrew the security screws from the cartridges and place them in little glass dishes. Opening the NES and SNES games was straight forward. Opening the N64 games surprised me: There is signal shielding inside the cartridges!Not only do I have to open N64 cartridges, I also had to open the signal shield with a conventional phillip's-head screw driver. Crazy. Once the table is completely covered with opened games I realized I couldn't clean the copper contacts! Now it is the early afternoon on Saturday so I think to myself I have plenty of time to run out and buy some copper contact cleaner. I called Riley for a ride and he came and picked me up around 2:30pm. We hop-scotch around four big-box stores and there is no goddamn cleaner anywhere! We wasted three hours. Well, the time spent driving aimlessly wasn't a complete wash. I did manage to find some padded envelopes for when I sell things on Amazon.

We drive back to Kevin's house and we make an evening of smoking pot and watching retarded racist animation from the 1940s. I served him left-overs and we had a really good time trying to figure out why half of these shows were banned in the first place. They did have racist elements, but only a few of them were really overt with their racism. He leaves but it is still fairly early in the evening. I realized, in my intoxicated haze, that I left the house is completely fucked up. The first floor hasn't been cleaned yet and I left it in worse condition when I left the opened cartridges all over the table. The basement was fucked up, too. I tore apart most of my plastic bins looking for rubber erasers, which can be used to clean copper contacts. Of course I didn't have any erasers. Riley left the house around 6:30pm I believe, and from that time until midnight I straighten up the downstairs. I partially re-assembled the cartridges and set them back in the book shelf Kevin bought for me earlier this year. I also took apart the NES and SNES controllers, cleaned them, and put them back together while listening to NPR. My liberal outrage was going off the charts. I shouldn't listen to those shows while high. I went to bed at 3:30am.

I think I woke up at 11am after I went to bed. Since Kevin was away to Chicagoland helping his mother with house chores, I had the house to myself. While he was gone I cleaned the whole first floor of the house. It was incredibly dusty. Plus, there are those imposter ladybugs everywhere. I'm constantly stepping on crunchy dead beetles and flicking live ones outside where they belong. I also mowed the front lawn, primarily to expel the excess gas in the gas tank, but to also mulch the autumn leaves on the grass.

Last weekend was a bit crazy, but I had a great time with Riley, my video game collection, and cleaning the house. Today I just bought Brasso from the grocery store. I guess I didn't have to badger a friend to drive me all over the shopping district in Champaign; I only had to bicycle one mile to a grocery store to buy what I needed for my cartridges. It doesn't matter. I probably won't get to finish this cleaning project until the middle of December. Until then, my games will sit, unplayable, on the book shelf.

∅

finding you

I read this while looking for information on Michio Kaku. Did God want me to find this passage? Is nothing set to coincidence?

Of course there are alternative planes of existence. We all live on the same planet but we don't all live in the same world. Furthermore, from reading the posts on Worthy I dare say we don't all worship the same God in Christ. Everyone has their own personal take and image of God, albeit the scriptures present God as objective, nonetheless how we know him is subjective to the individual. maybe that's what the Bible means when it tells us to, "Work out your own salvation with fear and trembling".

Is that what I experienced two weeks ago? Did God really express himself to me? I really don't know.

∅

Tina Turner.

I can't stand the Rain.
Against my window.
I can't stand the Rain...

∅

Exercises in futility.

I wake up today because I have a big oral presentation due tomorrow, and I thought I would get a good start. I come downstairs, and I see a note written by Kevin asking me to rake the front lawn. Oh, Sweet Jesus, do I hate raking. Raking is the epitome of an exercise in futility: I could still be raking the lawn right now, and there would still be leaves present. Fantastic. So, I rake the front lawn. I fill two mulch bags full of leaves. I packed them down, and everything. I hate raking the lawn. Hate. I would rather shovel a driveway. I hate raking.

I think I am done with stupidity. I was not.

By this time, it is the late morning. I eat an early lunch because I don't want to be hungry while I assemble my oral presentation at the Urbana Free Library. I leave this house after eating, and arrive at the library before noon. I unpack my piece-of-shit laptop and turn it on. I manage to type out my introduction and conclusion to a speech I haven't even researched yet, and then I go online through the Parkland Library to try to access the academic databases for my presentation. The connection lags, only to cut to the "Cannot connect to site XYZ" warning page. OK. I tried again, and I still failed to connect to Lexis-Nexis. So, I do what any smart person does, and I op-check my internet connection. I checked my google mail, and lo-and-behold, I can connect. I then realized the reason I couldn't access the academic databases was because the Urbana Free Library is heavily, obsessively, fire-walled.

Well fuck me. Fuck me twice over, even.

So, I wasted this whole morning doing a chore that came out of nowhere, and trying to connect to an academic database through a neurotically firewalled internet connection. Naturally, I procrastinated until the very last moment to start this project. I know I'll get it done, but the overall quality will be mediocre. Now it only matters that I get it done.

∅

Walking through Urbana.

Since today was in the low 60s and sunny, I thought I would go walking through Urbana and take some photographs of the scenery. Due to my internet and video game addiction, I didn't do this earlier in the month when the leaves started to change color, so I passed peak color of the leaves. Fortunately, I am not too far on the descending side of that Bell curve to miss some truly beautiful sights.

I am glad I went outside.

∅

Things from the mail.

Back in 2006, I was really depressed, so I bought myself a Sega Saturn with a few games and a memory card. Back in 2007, I was really depressed again, so I bought myself an original Nintendo Entertainment System model 2.

I must be depressed right now again because recently, I bought myself a minty Super Nintendo off of eBay, along with a few games. I don't understand why I buy things while I feel depressed. I am actually performing well in college these days, unlike in the past. I also have a great man who loves me. Perhaps it is retail therapy. Therapy for what? Maybe I don't feel complete since I sold three of my game systems earlier in the summer. I think that would be weird, attaching my completeness to the things I own. I do believe people can be owned by things. Hell, there are whole television shows devoted to that idea: People Being Owned by Things.

Whatever. The SNES I won from eBay is in fantastic condition. There is no yellowing, which is usually present in older SNES systems. The controllers are used, but in good condition; the texturing around the direction keys of the controllers are a little worn, but the buttons are springy. The box is in fair condition, but all of the packaging and paperwork is intact. The cords are also fully intact, too. I won that auction at a sweet price; $58, which also included shipping. I scored pretty well.

Of course, no system is complete without any nice games to play. I bought from ebay, "Tetris Attack," which is a fantastic puzzle game, "Zelda: A Link to the Past," "Super Mario RPG," and "Super Metroid." After having played, and won, that game recently, I can say that game is a work of art. Literally. The music, the graphics, and the story of the game are more than the sum of its parts: It is simply a masterpiece of story-telling and mood.

While I was splurging on eBay, I also expanded my NES game collection. I bought "Contra" and "Super C," at the same time for the really sweet price of $65 together. Complete copies (box, instruction manual, dust sleeve, styrofoam insert) of those games go for $60 apiece. I scored pretty well on that sale, too.

While I was at it, I also bought the security bits that are required to open the game cartridges and systems. Game cartridges accumulate dirt and grime on the copper contacts over time, and I wanted a way to open the plastic cases to have unfettered access to the innards so I could clean my games. I don't have time to clean my entire cartridge collection, but I will in the near future. I'll probably clean my games over the Thanks Giving break. I already opened and cleaned a second SNES I won off of eBay. I'll probably sell that system since I never intended to win two SNES systems.

From miscellaneous

I feel content right now. I originally planned to buy a PlayStation 3 system at the end of this year, but I blew the bank on rebuilding my SNES collection. I guess I can get a PS3slim next year...which I probably will.

∅

Skip out.

It has been an interesting week for me. Unlike in previous semesters at school, I'm actually doing what I need to be doing to remain a good student, for the most part. Of course I could always study more, and waste less time in the internet. Those are too distracting; They will probably remain distracting unless I move into the center of a forest and disconnect myself from these nets. However, right now my grades are good, and I actually feel good.

Last week I delivered my first of four oral presentations in my speech-101 class. Like I said in my previous post on that subject, I think I performed better than most of the class. Yesterday I accomplished two major projects: I wrangled my group together for my liberal arts class and we delivered an impromptu presentation on a piece of art that we analyzed, then; I took my mid-term exam in my speech-101 class. My group performed sufficiently well on our piece, although we (I) did overlook one complete section of the requirements for our presentation. Oops. I also feel I did really well on my mid-term exam.

The only reason why I did so was because that class is a "basic 101" course that only tests wrote memory: Those types of tests aren't based upon comprehension; they are multiple choice exams. "Basic 101" tests aren't even fill-in-the-blank. So: I did very well on it but not because I knew most of the material, I made educated guesses on the questions I didn't know. Of course I knew most of the material; I read the book, but I didn't take notes on the required chapters. I'm lucky...so far.

Even though I am lackadaisical regarding my scholarly duties, I can say with certainty that I'm doing better than I have done in the past. In my liberal arts class, two of the four groups have members who are being aloof and aren't doing their fair share of the work. One of those two groups went from four members to two! One of those individuals simply disregarded his work and isn't communicating with the group. On Friday, my speech professor set aside that class for make-up speeches for two students. They didn't show up!

I completely understand where those individuals are coming from. Going to college, studying, and doing homework, requires discipline. Discipline requires maturity. Since I have such a hoary past with maturity, I also have a tragic past with discipline and my school responsibilities. I mean, I can't even be asked to take on a full course load per semester because I know I would shirk my responsibilities -- and my academics -- for one or all of those classes. Maybe I just need to learn how to be mature, which, in turn, would enable me to be a better student. For me to do so, I need to learn to be a good student which will enable me to be more mature. This cycle is cyclical.

I have a feeling I will perform well, academically, this semester. I just wish I discovered this "secret knowledge" a few years ago. I should have completed my studies with Parkland College and gone to the University of Illinois by now, but my attitude and discipline is lacking.

But I still feel good. I should hold onto that feeling. It will help me.

∅

Recent eBay haul.

Ever since I scaled down my video game collection by three consoles, I've decided to dabble in the waters of my past. I recently bought a used, but in good condition, Super Nintendo, plus four games: Super Metroid, Zelda: A Link to the Past, Tetris Attack, and Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars.

I allotted money for my next console purchase when one of my bank CDs matured earlier this year. I intended to buy a PS3slim, but since I already blew my wad on Super Nintendo stuff, I don't think I can afford to buy a PS3slim until sometime next year. Of course...the Super Nintendo has more fun games than PS3slim, so I guess I made a good investment in my entertainment value: I would rather have a cheap system with four fun (but slightly pricey) games instead of one very pricey system with one fun, but inexpensive, game.

During my acquisitions I also expanded my NES collection by two games. I bought the two Contra games, both in very good condition for a total of $65. I've seen similar copies go for $60 each in stores and on the internet. I think that was a pretty good score.

I also started playing Super Metroid. Holy shit, that game is atmospheric. Yes, I played that game incessantly when I owned it all those years ago, but I don't think I really understood the mood of that game. The game is lonely and spooky. I mean, I can can believe how Samas Aran is really lost on Zebeth trying to destroy a galactic menace. That game is truly a spectacle of awesome game design, music, and game play. I understand why it is in the "Top Whatever" lists just about every game site and magazine.

From miscellaneous

∅

I was #4.

I am so weird sometimes.

Back in my youth I used to be one of those nauseating kids who loved to learn. If ever there was a teacher who wanted a student to pass out papers, or read something in front of the class, I was the obsessive one who shot his hand up in the air before most of the other students in class. For that, I was made fun of, but I didn't care. I like helping out and I liked learning. (I wonder what happened to that fire between then and now?)

Cut to this passing weekend and I am compiling my notes for my first oral presentation for my speech 101 class. It was Saturday and most of my speech was done. I had the full-word outline done, and I was reciting my speech in my head. Amazingly, I felt nervousness. What?

Now it is Sunday, and I finish typing my key-word outline and my sources page. I staple everything together and I begin to actually perform my speech from the key-word outline, instead of reciting the damn thing. I begin to feel a palpable sense of dread of Monday. I couldn't believe I was feeling this way! I only had to present some speech in front of a small class of twenty people.

This morning my nervousness was still present. I don't know...I just felt shameful for feeling so weak. Last Friday was the first day of the presentations, and almost every speaker on that day barely performed adequately, I thought. They stuttered, said "Umm" and "Uhh" throughout their speeches, some of the speeches had no introductions or transitions, and a few of them fidgeted excessively. I knew I could do better than them. I am fairly certain I did, but my nervousness clouded my memory of today because I was just concentrating on not making the same mistakes the previous speakers made.

I must have done fine because of my classmates stopped me in the hall and congratulated me. Anyway, I guess I'll find out how I did later this week, since there is still one day of speeches for my class. Hopefully my subsequent speeches are less nerve-racking than today.

∅

sorrow sleep

I was experiencing insomnia, like I usually do, last night. I tried to go to sleep at 11pm, but I tossed and turned for a while. I knew that this would be a difficult night for me to attempt falling asleep, so I went downstairs. I surfed the internet for about ninety minutes, and then went back upstairs. But this time, it was close to 2am.

As I lay in bed I continue to be restless. I am now getting aggravated. Eventually, I fall asleep, but my sleep is interrupted by my need to pee. The sleep I experienced before I finally got out of bed to piss was not a nice sleep; it was rife with partial consciousness. Now, it is 7:30am and I am wide awake. I know that I won't function adequately on only four hours of sleep so I try to fall back asleep.

I finally fall into a decent sleep soon after. Tragically, this sleep was interrupted by vivid depressing dreams, even though this sleep was better quality. The last dream I remember having was me hearing that my grandmother died three years ago. The biggest difference between what really happened and my dream was that, in my dream, I actually had an appropriate emotional response to that news. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by the news of her death that I bawled my eyes out. I broke through the emotional walls, that hold me back and hold all my emotions in check, and let my true feeling flow unencumbered. In real life when I heard the news of her death, only one solitary salty tear flowed down my face. I knew something was off. I even tried a mantra to get something more appropriate than one solitary tear. It didn't work. I thought that was weird. And tragic.

It almost seems like this dream I had last night set me free. Maybe. Maybe not "set free," but unleashed, untethered something that should have been released a long time ago. I really don't know. I just remember feeling a sorrow so deep and profound I think I woke up because I almost cried in my sleep.

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Super Nintendo, 1996

OK. So I'm rebuilding my Super Nintendo collection of the past.

I did have a euphoric moment while I was bidding on eBay. I was bidding on the game Super Metroid, and I was determined to get it. I staged the digital timer to let me know when the auction would end in one minute. I enabled the one-click setting on eBay so the current bid would update in real time. I copied a bid price to the computer clip board, and I pasted the price in the bid window. I positioned my mouse pointer over the "bid now" button. I waited. The seconds counted down. My heart rate increased. My palms begin to sweat. The timer continues to count down.

10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 seconds remaining in the auction. I submit my bid. SNIPED! I won the auction! Yeah. I've been sniped before. It sucked. But I still won Super Metroid so that is all that matters.

So far I already have two games I used to play, and adore. Now I just need the actual system to play them. I'm looking for a used system in very good condition. I hope I can find one.Pictures to come.

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