sorrow sleep

I was experiencing insomnia, like I usually do, last night. I tried to go to sleep at 11pm, but I tossed and turned for a while. I knew that this would be a difficult night for me to attempt falling asleep, so I went downstairs. I surfed the internet for about ninety minutes, and then went back upstairs. But this time, it was close to 2am.

As I lay in bed I continue to be restless. I am now getting aggravated. Eventually, I fall asleep, but my sleep is interrupted by my need to pee. The sleep I experienced before I finally got out of bed to piss was not a nice sleep; it was rife with partial consciousness. Now, it is 7:30am and I am wide awake. I know that I won't function adequately on only four hours of sleep so I try to fall back asleep.

I finally fall into a decent sleep soon after. Tragically, this sleep was interrupted by vivid depressing dreams, even though this sleep was better quality. The last dream I remember having was me hearing that my grandmother died three years ago. The biggest difference between what really happened and my dream was that, in my dream, I actually had an appropriate emotional response to that news. I remember feeling so overwhelmed by the news of her death that I bawled my eyes out. I broke through the emotional walls, that hold me back and hold all my emotions in check, and let my true feeling flow unencumbered. In real life when I heard the news of her death, only one solitary salty tear flowed down my face. I knew something was off. I even tried a mantra to get something more appropriate than one solitary tear. It didn't work. I thought that was weird. And tragic.

It almost seems like this dream I had last night set me free. Maybe. Maybe not "set free," but unleashed, untethered something that should have been released a long time ago. I really don't know. I just remember feeling a sorrow so deep and profound I think I woke up because I almost cried in my sleep.

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