The Black Hole Wall Dream

For the past week I've been thinking about a recurring nightmare I used to have very, very early in my life. I find it strange it is the very first dream I remember having.

The dream starts with me, at my current age of 4. That was when I dreamt this dream. There are other people in the kitchen where I am at. They are across the room looking out into the living room...they are all gathered around the doorway to the other room entranced and scared. In the living room, there was an anomaly.

Somehow, a perfectly black wall appeared when no one was looking in the upper corner of the ceiling looking down toward the floor at a shallow angle. The black hole wall displaced the matter it appeared into. It was just there as if it had always been there...except at the weird angle it was canted toward the floor.

Very, Very cautiously, we all approach the black hole wall. The older boys are closer to the black hole wall than I am. I am too afraid to go near it. Such fear I've felt.

The older boys are chatting secretly with each other. They are excited but trying to muffle their voices low. Away from the gathering, there is one lone older boy who is not in the conversation. The gathered boys are talking about him...incredulously. The gathered boys talk to the lone boy and the lone boy looks sad and scared. The other boys point not at him, but past him toward the black hole wall.

He approaches the black hole wall...it is inches from his face. The other boys are chanting, "Touch it...touch it...touch it...touch it now." The loner boy does not want to touch the black hole wall. He does not know what will happen. The other boys don't know what will happen. I don't know what will happen. We all know that we don't know what will happen when Loner Boy touches the black hole wall.

He touched the black hole wall. And something so curious, and so quick, and so weird, words can barely, adequately explain the event that happened after.

The very instant Loner Boy touched the black hole wall...he instantly disappeared. A weird auditory "sonic clap" would happen during the instantaneous vanishing. This sonic pop was so short in duration and so opposite of what an "explosion" should sound like, the only thing I can say about that sound is that it sounded like it exploded backwards.

Where did the boy go? No one knew. But now we knew. We now know there is a sudden, and quick event that it can barely be perceived and understood by normal human senses.

The boy was completely gone. Although...the transference wasn't perfect. There were signs that Loner Boy was once in existence. On the wall where he placed his fingers there were some locks of hair from the back of his head. Apparently, the only thing we could guess at was that Loner Boy was somehow pulled very VERY VERY quickly through the black hole wall, and his hair got stuck in the surface. We don't know why his hair got stuck there.

The boys wanted to know more, but how could they? It was my turn to touch the black hole wall. It was my turn and I knew, down the very bottom of my stomach that I should not touch the black hole wall. There was something on the other side I did not want to know.

The other older boys are chanting me one: "Touch it. Touch it. Touch it." I couldn't stop myself. I held my index finger on my right hand in front of my face. I look at my hand as I extend it to touch the wall. And then suddenly that weird inwards explosion vacuum-y noise is all around me. I am in the sound. It is suddenly gone and I am nowhere. I am in the most perfect black void that could ever be imagined. There is no matter. No light. There is no space. There is absolutely nothing that it could touch your face. I was looking out into infinity for a brief moment, and infinity is empty. It is devoid of dimension. Nothing is everywhere and you are so utterly alone in this void. The loneliness is so paralyzing. There is nothing to tie my consciousness to; there is no time. I now know nothingness. I am now part of it. Devoid of any sensory input because there is nothing. Such utter blackness.

And then...suddenly...I'm outside on a city street in a middle-class neighborhood. The other boys who touched the wall were alive, and with the remaining group. I join them. They are all laughing. They were like, "What was it like inside? Did it hurt? Do you think you're OK?" We felt OK. We tried to convey to them the emptiness that was everywhere and everything and inside. They didn't get it.

I find this dream weird because, for a nightmare, it has an ending. Traditional nightmares don't end. They just suddenly stop at the zenith of utter fear. They don't continue beyond that point. This nightmare I had had an ending. Not only that...the ending to this nightmare was...happy; celebratory. They survived something they couldn't understand, but they survived it. At the very end of the dream: They were hugging each other and patting each other on the back, and I think I might have been standing in the middle since I was the littlest. I think they were surrounding me, and we were all celebrating [something] somehow for our survival.

I really don't understand this dream. Is the black hole wall suicide? I've had a sneaky suspicion that the black hole wall dream is basically about suicide. But how, or why, would I subconsciously articulate suicide at such a young age. It baffles me and worries me. How does a 4-year-old know about suicide?

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