The Sea of Red

Since the middle of last week, to the end of last week, I studied hard for two tests that were had on this passing Friday; One test was in Business Calculus, and the other was in Business Accounting.

Friday rolls around, and I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. I really did study, and I felt I had a sufficiently good grasp of the concepts at hand. Calculus started, and I started with the test right away. Somewhere after I started, I began to doubt myself. That was when I suffered from severe test anxiety. So I panicked. Really. I answered the questions completely when I thought I had time, but since I was panicking, I basically flew through the rest of the test to try to answer the test questions as quickly as I could. After that class ended, I was feeling so low. I scored myself a 62, which is a "D" on my first test, and I was really hoping I would "make my money back" on the second test. Since I felt that I bombed the second test...I began to think of the future and how much it would have to change if I had to withdraw from this class again because of bad grades.

After the calculus test, I ran up to B-wing to take my Business Accounting test. That test was remarkably easier since it deals with easy algebra, and some memorization of equations. I didn't finish my accounting test until near the end of class, so I just thought I would wait until after class to wait to see what I got after my instructor graded the tests. Since a large portion of the other students in my class turned in their tests before I did, I could see my accounting instructor correcting those tests. Since Business Accounting is basically just an introductory course, what we actually had to know for this test wasn't terribly complicated...at all. However, I'm watching my accounting instructor correct those tests, and I could see her hand flying all over the tests with a red pen. I could also see her becoming visibly frustrated. After I turned in my test to her, I asked her if she could correct it before I left school on Friday. Frustrated, she told me that she corrects the tests in the order she receives them. I didn't fully expect her to correct my test before I left school, but she did. I got a 102 on it.

I was very happy I got that grade on my second accounting test because my first test score was so mediocre. Since this is just an introductory class for accounting the first test was a cake-walk. I only scored a high "C" on it. So I was happy with my test score for the second accounting test. Although...the grade I thought I was going to receive kept my joy bitter-sweet. Yes: I had one success, but I also had one monumental failure.

Or so I thought.

After my accounting test I ran over to my academic adviser and basically freaked the fuck out in front of her because I thought I bombed my second calculus test, and therefore thought that I would have to change my entire academic trajectory again. I asked her to ask my calculus instructor to see if I could re-take the second calculus test, and much to my surprise my academic adviser said that she doesn't have that much sway when asking instructors for certain breaks. She told me that I should instead contact her regarding my situation and see if there was some sort of remedy to my situation, like a possible re-take of that test. So I emailed my Business Calculus instructor yesterday (Sunday) and asked her if that was so.

Cut to today I happened upon my calculus instructor as she was walking into my class, and I asked her if she received my email. She said yes, but she also said that a re-take was not necessary because I scored an 80% on my second test.

Well now. Saddle my ass and ride me to Texas. Apparently I didn't bomb anything. Apparently I actually accomplished my goal of "any score above a 75 at the minimum." My original goal was something above an 85% but I also knew not to press my luck.

Yes. I freaked out on Friday. By proxy I also ruined my weekend a little bit. I simply couldn't relax and feel like I accomplished something good, like I did with my accounting test. The score I thought I received dictated my happiness level. But I did OK...so therefore I should feel happy now. And I do. I also feel...content (?).

I'm guessing this is one of these situations in which I will have to continue what I've been doing -- studying and doing homework often -- but also relaxing and giving myself a chance to have a success. I also need to stop panicking. If I didn't panic I would have scored a higher grade on my second calculus test. However, since calculus really is challenging, I do accept my 80 in good faith and gratitude.

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