Lynchpin week

There is a point that falls between success and failure. There is a point that falls between exemplary and banality. There is a point that falls in between happiness and numbness. I've passed through many of those points in my past. I would imagine that I have more in the future that I will (have to?) pass through before I die. There are lynchpin points everywhere -- I don't know when they are approaching, but I certainly know when they have passed me. The trick in trying to zero-in on those metaphysical loci is attempting to figure out when they are approaching.

Naturally, this is a college update. I feel one of those lynchpin points coming. I would like to pass through it with a modicum of success, but I honestly don't know. This week I have two important tests and I am seriously freaking out about whether I will be successful or not. Tomorrow I have a major test in my Business Calculus class, and there is the possibility I could do relatively fine on it, or I could completely and utterly bomb the test and get a horrible score. If I did get a bad score, I honestly don't see the logic in staying in the class considering the class grade is determined by only four tests, plus the final. Oh yeah, I bombed the first test! Amazing! This class is so critical that if anything else goes wrong (besides the first test) I can just kiss my college schedule good-bye. Which would mean I could just forget about exiting Parkland College by 2011...which would mean I couldn't enroll into the U of I next year. So on and so forth.

Kevin let me know that he won't take care of me forever. I wouldn't allow him to do so. I'm just so sick and tired of being taken care of. I want to feel like an adult. I want to be an adult, but I've often thought that if I haven't learned how to be a grown-ass man by now, I never will.

Again, I wouldn't be worrying to the n^th degree if I actually had a sense of maturity to study more, like I should have. [Shouldacouldawoulda] I sometimes think there is an alternate universe in which I'm relatively happy and successful, instead of a 31-year-old boy who has to be taken care of just for his survival.

I wonder what it is like to be, and feel, self-sufficient.

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