Please come prepared. Thank you.

Earlier this week, I was riding the bus from school to Urbana. Naturally, since public transportation is an amalgamation of crazy and sane people, I see an old lady dragging a plastic bag behind her. I assumed it was full of groceries. Earlier in my life I would have offered my assistance as soon as I saw her. Perhaps I should have because my help then probably would have avoided the embarrassment I experienced later. What have you: Lesson learned.

I was waiting for the bus at the bus terminal as I saw the old lady go past me while dragging her bag. I ignored her for many reasons, but I think the primary reason I didn't choose to help her then was because I just get sick of being "That Guy" in public. I thought of the time that retarded guy was literally beating up on that other Down's Syndrome guy on the bus and I had to make a scene right there to get the abuse to stop. That whole situation was fucked-up and I had to be the adult on the bus because I couldn't remain detached while some asshole beat up on a defenseless guy with Down's Syndrome...on a crowded bus...with other bystanders watching the whole scene play out. Anyway...

My bus arrives and, sure enough, Old Lady needs to get on the bus I want to ride. Old Lady looked incapacitated somehow, so I asked her if she needed help with the trash bag full of groceries. She says yes and she boards the bus. I lift up the bag, and lo-and-behold, the bottom of the plastic disintegrates right there spilling about a dozen bottles of Vitamin Water. Since I offered my help to transport the bag from the platform to the bus, I then became the guy to try to "contain the situation" by gathering up this mess. Naturally I couldn't do this in an efficient way. Every place I tried to pick up the bag from the bottom, the bag would disintegrate spilling more bottles of drinks all over the platform. Of course Old Lady didn't have another plastic bag to replace the compromised bag. Somehow, by the power of not wanting to be embarrassed anymore by holding up a public transportation bus past its schedule, I manage to pick up the bag and transport it to the bus. Of course the bag is just barely holding itself together...just barely. I make it to the bus and the plastic trash bag just completely dies right there.

So now the bus is finally moving again but there are bottles of Vitamin Water rolling around the front of the bus. Between the terminal and her stop, me, Old Lady, and another (unhandicapped) rider are trying to rectify her situation. We place about six bottles in her purse. We also manage to fit the remaining bottles in a reusable bag. To my surprise -- and annoyance -- all of her groceries fit in that reusable bag! I have to ask the question: Why didn't she just use that reusable bag initially?

Along with the bottles rolling everywhere on the bus, we now had to deal with wayward slices of bread falling out of a bag, too. Why? Old Lady also had a loaf of bread in that plastic bag that disintegrated. Since Old Lady dragged the bag a great distance (from where I have no idea), the bag for the loaf of bread also got compromised, too. There are three of us trying to wrangle bottles of water and slices of bread by placing everything in a reusable bag that is just a little bit too small for the situation at hand. Her loaf of bread got crushed and destroyed. URGH!

Come to find out Old Lady had a stroke, I think, which made her paralyzed on one side of her body. I asked her if she had one of those grocery caddies that old people usually have, and she does have one! So now I have to ask another important question: Why didn't she leave her apartment prepared for the situation at hand? Didn't she think, or realize, that if she is a stroke victim who needs to go grocery shopping that she should bring all of the necessary hardware to make her excursion as efficient as possible? Instead: She dragged a plastic trash bag on the ground a great distance, which in turn completely disintegrated at a point in her trip that slowed everyone down by hindering the ability for a bus to maintain its schedule. Great planning, sister.

AND THEN, after all of that bullshit to just get on the bus and control Old Lady's mess, the bus driver still asks to see my bus pass. Really? Really? I did all of that and I can't get a fucking free ride on the bus? Eat my ass, you bureaucratic douche.

The situation was pretty damn annoying and embarrassing for me, and I'll bet it was doubly worse for Old Lady. I don't know, but I think the accident would have been worthwhile if she had real groceries that got out of control, instead of Vitamin Water. Vitamin Water? Oh for fuck's sake. Old Lady could have saved herself a ton of money and aggravation if she just made some Kool-Aid and threw in some Flintstones Vitamins in the mix. Seriously, that is what Vitamin Water is: It is fucking enhanced Kool-Aid with vitamins with a huge mark-up at the register. *grinds teeth*

AND THEN I spend the rest of the ride pressed up against a fat college student who was a bit tangy.

There are times I need to be reminded that using public transportation saves me money.

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