herr derp derp

I had a sucky beginning to a sucky week. Actually, my suckyness started last Friday. I took a test in Statistics, and I bombed the test. I wasn't surprised. This passing weekend, I finally make an agreement with myself to finally buckle down and stop being so careless with my school work. Sunday night, I set my alarm. Monday rolls around, and I realized I overslept. Why? I overslept because I forgot to engage the alarm. I set the alarm but I didn't turn the goddamn thing on! Also, for some inexplicable reason I simply couldn't wake up after sleeping for nine hours. I missed the Statistics class on Monday -- even though I shouldn't be missing that class because I only have a "C" average.

So...on Wednesday I talked to the instructor. He did give me some good news: He said that my overall average isn't terrible. I could leave that class with a "B" if I continue to get "B's" on further tests. That alleviated my concern over my grade in that class a little bit. Still: I have to deal with myself, my insomnia, and my malaise towards everything.

I feel like I am walking on the edge of a cliff: If I fall off that cliff, I'm done. I'll be living the rest of my life being a hopelessly less-than-average person doing menial jobs and being directionless. The other option is success. I just don't feel like that is possible for me simply because it feels like everything I do won't matter in the grand scheme of things. It feels like I am just taking up space and just "doing things" to keep myself busy.

Also: I wish I had a job. Yeah, finding one isn't so simple. The economy sucks right now and I have a terrible work history. Kevin asked me yesterday if I was going to the job fair at Parkland College today. I told him no. I also wanted to tell him that the reason I don't want to go is because I don't want to embarrass myself again by trying to gloss over my work history while trying to up-sell my little skill set I have to offer a potential employer. I didn't tell him that.

I'm glad I taking this summer off from school. I'll volunteer as to keep myself busy doing something relevant. I'll also finally go with Kevin to Ely, Minnesota. He went by himself the past two years and he practically begged to go along with him. The drive is long, but I think it would be worth it to simply get away from job searches, video games, and the internet.

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