Today is the last day that I have marijuana. I smoked my last: It is gone. I'm going to go dry for a while just to see if I can. I think I can...but the first few weeks might be "itchy."
Of course, whenever I smoke weed, I think big thoughts. This time I was thinking about my habits, and where they possibly come from. Infrequently, in my past, people would tell me that I tend to obsess about things. I think they were right. At the end of March I realized that I obsessed about things that didn't do me any good; but after I thought that I tried to identify the source of that obsession, or compulsion. Then I started thinking about my youth.
\\\In My Youth
I used to spread peanut butter on a slice of bread really, really obsessively. Meticulously. Precisely, and exactly. I was obsessed with a perfectly smooth peanut butter surface. There had to be no wrinkles, or butter-knife swipes, in the surface pattern of the peanut butter. It was as smooth as ice. I was obsessed with perfectly lined-up edges of peanut butter to the edge of the crust of the bread. There had to be no bare spots of bread exposing to the surface, or through the surface, of the peanut butter. There had to be no gooey overflow of peanut butter over the edge of the crust of the bread...at all. It was as if the slice of bread had a perfect stamp, of the silhouette of the bread, of peanut butter on its surface.
The peanut butter was literally perfectly spread in every conceivable way. And I loved it.I remember this process taking a long time, in my mind back in my youth. I knew it took me "longer than usual" to spread peanut butter on a slice of bread. I think I was OK with that, back then -- but I didn't realize how long
in duration it actually took me to simply spread peanut butter on bread.
Getting the surface of the peanut butter
perfectly smooth was the ritual that took the most time. Spreading the peanut butter to the edges without overflow isn't that challenging. The
real challenge was the surface. I remember it took me a long time, of many practice sessions, to execute the techniques I could use to manifest a perfectly smooth surface of peanut butter. The next most challenging thing about the perfectly smooth surface was that the perfect smoothness had to extend to the edges of the crust of bread. Remember, the edges of the peanut butter spread were as if it was stamped at the same time the bread was. So I would "pass over" the edge of the slice of bread with a knife loaded with peanut butter: I would then gently "lift higher" my hand as it approached the edge of the bread. That was how I achieved that uniform smoothness all the way to the edge. And I think I still love it.
My sisters would laugh and think how obsessive my actions were. (They
are, Nick!) They would say, "Oh! Nick is spreading peanut butter again. He'll be busy for 25 minutes!" Here is the absolutely crazy thing: It really, literally took me that long to actually spread peanut butter on one slice of bread! My mom was less entertained, and slightly more concerned. I mean, the time duration, for an action that 99% of the other population would have executed in sixty seconds flat, took me
nearly a half an hour!
Strangely, I never cared that much about jelly. It could by applied in any chaotic way.
Eventually, the stress of simply spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread became too much. I was so obsessed with the absolute perfection of spread peanut butter, I literally had to go dry! I literally gave up PB & J sandwiches for a little while back in my youth because I couldn't deal with the stress of spreading peanut butter. My mom, and my sisters, would sometimes offer PB & J sandwiches for lunch, and I conscientiously opted out because I knew that if I started making a sandwich...I wouldn't be able to actually
stop until I was done: Until the peanut butter was spread perfectly. I used to tell my family, "I'm too mature for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." My family would say, "We're 'mature' and we enjoy peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You can still eat them, too." I really did enjoy eating the sandwiches, they tasted great; but taste is irrelevant when I would get trapped in the ritual of a perfectly smooth peanut butter spread on a slice of bread. When I started, I wouldn't, and couldn't stop until the spread was perfect.
This excuse went on for a while. I believe I was around 9 years old when I finally got over the obsession of perfectly smooth peanut butter spreads on slices of bread. I don't remember exactly how long my self-imposed dry spell from the ritual lasted: I have a feeling it might have lasted for a few months. I just remember knowing, in a fundamental way, that the treat, and by proxy
the ritual, had to be avoided for a while because it was controlling me in some way. Curiously, whenever I spread peanut butter, to this day, I have to remind myself that it is Simply OK to have an uneven, wavy surface of peanut butter on a slice of bread, with some of the bread and crust showing through. It is OK to have peanut butter run over the edge of the bread and *gasp* touch your finger when you grab it from the sides.
I think I'm trying to go dry from the weed, too. I've been smoking heavily since the beginning of December of 2010. My stash ran out now, and that really does worry me a little bit. The weed really did enable me to identify some hidden-away aspects of my personality, and because of that, I think it made me a better person. At the same time I simply did too much of it, and it took up too much of my time. I rarely showed self-control with this habit, and it owned me. Curiously, I never went to school intoxicated, but I did everything else intoxicated. Just so you know, bicycle rides are a blast while toasty -- and that was the most positive-benign thing I did. I just need to move on. I think I've had enough fun for a while, with the weed, and now I need to learn how to identify the things inside myself that make do the things I do, without weed. I think I can do it, but it might take a while to master. I think I'll also smoke again in the future, but not now. I need to know...how to control myself and my obsessions. Adults show self-control, not little kids.
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